Failing Table Rules in our House! What Do You Do to Make Mealtime Special?

Wisdom of the Ages has been weaving through our home school studies in the subject areas of leadership, world history, American history and science. I have been amazed that, while aspects of day to day life have changed dramatically over the centuries, the basic philosophies pertaining to human nature are remarkably consistent across continents, cultures, and civilizations. Sometimes, I believe we have lost all connection with and respect for the wisdom our predecessors. Either that, or the rules of modern culture are changing so quickly that we often put aside basic decency and forget how to treat each other. I know this is true in my house and now that I have become more conscious of it, we will work on bringing back some good old fashioned values—beginning with table manners.

Today, we were reading aloud a poem entitled "Table Rules for Little Folks" from William Bennett’s Book of Virtues. I asked my daughter to read it aloud and watching the look on her face as she uncovered the error of her mealtime ways was just priceless. But, the transgressions at dinner time in our home do not solely exist with my daughter. Our whole family has put my mother to shame when it comes to adhering to acceptable table rules. And I should know better, because my mother was a master of protecting the sacred ritual of the family meal!

The poem goes like this…

In silence I must take my seat,
And give God thanks before I eat;
Must for my food in patience wait,
Till I am asked to hand my plate;

I reflected on the fact that our family has meal time is riddled with ADHD-like behavior and members rarely enjoy the food over which I have slaved. As I often sit alone in wait, I begin picking at, and then inhaling my food, rationalizing that at least one of us should enjoy it while it’s hot. By the time everyone has staggered in, the act of “giving thanks” has gone by the wayside. I am not proud. I have seen the error of my ways, and meal time is going to take on a much different tone around my house beginning this evening.

I must not scold, nor whine, nor pout,
Nor move my chair or plate about.

My daughter, head still down, peeked through her bangs with a priceless expression of guilt. She suddenly recognized that game of musical chairs that usually ends in ferocious “negotiations” and sometimes tears, left much room for improvement in our house.

With knife, or fork, or napkin ring,
I must not play, nor must I sing.
I must not speak a useless word,
For children should be seen, not heard:

This elicited a sarcastic side comment from my son directed at my daughter who is notorious for dancing and singing her way through life, often to the extreme annoyance of my son.

I must not talk about my food,
Nor fret if I don’t think it good.
I must not say, “the bread is old,”
“The tea is hot,” “The coffee’s cold”;
My mouth with food I must not crowd,
Nor while I’m eating, speak aloud;

She jumped on this cue, for it was readily available opportunity to retaliate against my son who is notorious for “food whining” and “speaking with crowded mouth.”

Must turn my head to cough or sneeze,
And when I ask, say “If you please”’;
The tablecloth I must not spoil,
Nor with my food my fingers soil.

Another volley from son to daughter, for my daughter is often called by her middle name –“Viking girl”, when she bypasses the utensils and opts for her fingers during our mealtimes.

Must keep my seat when I have done,
Nor round the table sport or run;

Game, set, match and Mom wins! There was an audible silence from both of them as they reflected upon their personal contribution to this problem.

When told to rise, then I must put
My chair away with noiseless foot’
And lift my heart to God above,
In praise for all his wondrous love.

The power of the family meal has been somewhat lost in our chaotic, overscheduled culture. I was embarrassed that it took a children’s poem to remind me that I needed to raise my standards in this area. Togetherness at mealtime, even one meal a day, is an opportune time to take a step back and focus on how fortunate we are and to connect to our family members over a lovingly prepared meal. I believe our predecessors had it right—and good manners are simply an acknowledgment of the importance of the ritual. If the quality of your mealtime experience has been diminished, don’t settle anymore as I have been doing. Reclaim and enjoy it!

How does your family do at mealtime? Please share some of your mealtime traditions and rules with those of us who still need help!

Is Your Life Holding You Hostage? Take It Back!

I have been getting the “why” question a lot lately. In fact, a mom responded thoughtfully to one of my blogs on Cafemom.com today and inquired about a seeming discrepancy in something I wrote. I mentioned that before our decision to home school, we were in a lovely Catholic school with great teachers. She wanted to know why we made the decision to home school if we were happy with our school. It wasn’t that anything was specifically wrong. It was that everything wasn’t right!

I felt we could do so much better! I knew in my heart that our family was being pulled in too many directions. We were starved for any kind of time, let alone quality family time. We were suffering, individually and as a family. There weren’t any alarming behavioral problems. The kids were getting great grades, developing friendships and they were generally in a good mood when I picked them up. But the little things were adding up. Bickering in the car on the way home, hardly being able to get out of bed in the morning, being unenthusiastic and resistant to the next organized activity or event posed constant parenting challenges. I was tired, impatient and crabby, and I am adult who can control my emotions. My children definitely weren’t getting the best of me. If I was tired and crabby, I knew they must be too, even more so.

My observation is that as a society, we are caught up in a predetermined and unquestioned system of operating. We are so “caught up in keeping up”, that we don’t have the time and energy to question why we are doing it until something dramatic happens. Every home school parent I have spoken too has had their “straw that broke the camel’s back” moment--that unforgettable moment of truth that caused them to take a second look at what they were doing, question everything, and acknowledge that things could be different.

I had that moment. Several of them, in fact, had stacked on top of each other until I had reached my personal breaking point. The system was holding my family hostage. I was like Mel Gibson in the movie Ransom—I wanted my family back, and I was willing to pay any price! Ironically, the price I am paying now is significantly less than that private school cost.

We are a pretty typical family, I think. My husband and I have been married for 14 years. We have two kids and a dog. My husband works, a lot. I had my own company for the last 20 years, and have decided now to stay at home to teach the kids. Our kids are involved in a number of activities and have active social lives. It wasn’t that we wanted to give things up as much as it was that we wanted to use our time more effectively so we could spend more time with each other. Serving as the family chauffeur, putting on 100 + miles per day so that other people could teach and influence my children didn’t seem to be the best use of time. It certainly wasn’t in the best interest of my family. It wasn’t working for us. With home school, we have cut most of the driving, increased our learning, eliminated homework (don’t get me started on homework as the world’s greatest time stealer), and taken back our family life.

I want to stress, that I am not here to criticize traditional school or those who choose that path. We, personally have been in schools we have loved and some that were not so great. I know many folks in great schools that are thrilled. They system works for them. I have also met some home school families who really aren’t doing their kids any favor. So there can be problems with any system as well as benefits.

What I AM advocating is that we all take a serious look at our lives to see what is working and what is not working. Life is short. If something isn’t working, change it. As a society, we need to question the distractions in our lives that keep us from remaining family focused. We live in a country that encourages creative solutions. Anything is possible with imagination, creativity, resourcefulness and flexibility.

If your life is holding you hostage, take it back! The power to choose the life we have dreamed of is entirely within our control.